Say When
by E. Limberg
Summary: After the shooting, Mac admits his feelings toward Stella, but Stella is too overwhelmed unsure of what to do. She spends the night with Adam, which leads to even more confusion. Spoilers for Pay Up and Epilogue. Song by The Fray. MS.


**Say When**

_I see you there, don't know where you come from_

_Unaware of the stare from someone_

_Don't appear to care that I saw you and I want you_

_What's your name_

_'Cause I have to know it_

_You let me in and begin to show it_

_We're terrified 'cause we're heading straight for it, might get it_

The gunfire ceases.

Mac slowly raises his head, looking around worriedly at his team. Danny and Lindsay are embracing each other, thankful to be alive. Sid and Hawkes are moving toward the fallen bartender, hoping to save him. Flack sits on the floor, his face as gloomy as before. Adam stares wide-eyed at the scene in front of him, shocked to find himself still alive. And then his eyes fall on Stella. She, like him, is surveying the team. Finding the others to be okay, she turns to him.

He makes his way to her, relieved. When he reaches her, he touches her cheek, "Stella, you're bleeding."

She raises her hand to her cheek, touching it before pulling her hand back to look at her bloody fingers, "It's nothing."

He puts his arm around her shoulders and together they stand up, their knees weak. He takes a moment to study her, making sure she wasn't hurt other the cut on her cheek.

A tear rolls down her cheek as the reality of the situation dawns on her: somehow they had all managed to survive the gunfire. Stella throws her arms around his neck, surprising him.

He puts his arms around her back, clutching her to him, not sure what he would have done if he had lost her. They stay like that until the police and ambulances arrive.

He presses a kiss to her temple before she slowly pulls away, wiping the tears from her eyes. "I… I'm sorry about your shirt," she weakly motions to the bloodstain on it.

"If all I lost today was my shirt, I'd say I'm doing pretty good," he reaches for her hand to escort her out of the building.

She manages a weak smile, "I guess we were pretty fortunate today."

"I'm going to find whoever did this; nobody can do this to our team and get away with it."

"We, Mac. _We_ are going find this person."

"Stella, we've already seen how dangerous he is. I don't want to put you in that position."

"We're a team, Mac. It's all or none, not just you."

"Okay," he agrees, fully knowing that he would not let her go when they went to arrest whoever had done this to them. He leads her to an ambulance, ignoring the policemen that wanted to talk to them.

"Do you have any idea who could have done this?" she asks, taking a seat on the back of the ambulance for the EMT to look at her cheek. He nods, and she waits for him to go on. He doesn't say anything. "Mac," she warns.

"He's not going to get away this time; he can't pay off the NYPD. I don't care what he publishes about me; I am going to put him behind bars."

"You think Dunbrook was stupid enough to do something like this?"

"He came to my office, Stella. He said I should be careful."

She holds his gaze for a moment before looking at the ground, "Chasing him isn't worth ruining your reputation, Mac. Not until we get solid evidence that proves that he did it."

_You're in the song playing on the background_

_All alone but you're turning up now_

_And everyone is rising to meet you, to greet you_

_Turn around and you're walking toward me_

_I'm breaking down and you're breathing slowly_

_Say the word and I will be your man, your man_

"Stella, I want to talk to you," Mac says, leading her away from the crime scene to somewhere more private. She wordlessly follows him, too tired from the excitement of the day to make any sort of protest. "I want you to stay with me. We don't know who he was after, and I don't want something to happen to you."

"He has an automatic weapon, Mac; there's really nothing either of us can do if he comes after us."

"It's… not about that. I just… need you with me."

"I'm not going anywhere," she gently says.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Mac, what is this about? You don't think I'm going to go off and do something stupid, do you? Because that's something you would do, not me… at least not in this case."

"Look, Stel… things have changed between us. In light of recent events, I've come to realize some things. I'd never imagined my life without you, and suddenly you just left me last week. You could have been killed last week; you could have died tonight. And I've begun to understand just how important you are to me. I need you in my life. Stella, I love you more than I love anyone on this earth," he reaches out to take her hands in his.

After his revelation, her eyes refuse to meet his, moving from the scene behind him to the ground. She gently pulls her hands out of his grasp. "Mac…"

"Please, Stel. I know how you feel. Don't make me beg."

"I… can't."

"What do you mean? Stella, please talk to me," he gently tucks a hand under her chin and forces her to look at him.

"This is just too much, Mac. It's too overwhelming. A week ago I learn about my mother and learn that someone I trusted knew her and didn't tell me. And that he was involved in smuggling. And he died. And then today we lose Angell and we're all shot at in the bar. And now this… I just can't think about all this right now, Mac."

"But you do feel the same way, right? You love me too, don't you?"

She shakes her head, "I don't know what to think anymore."

They stand still for five full minutes, each one looking down at their feet in an awkward silence. Finally Mac sighs, "I should probably take you home now."

"I'm sorry about this. I really am. I just need some time to think about all that has happened."

"I understand. It's hard for me to believe and half of it doesn't affect me as much as it does you."

Stella places a hand on his cheek and kisses the other, "You're a great friend. And I don't know what I'd do if I had lost you today."

He brings his hand up to cover hers, "I'll be waiting for you when you make your decision. And whatever you decide, Stella, I will be there for you."

_Say when_

_And my own two hands will comfort you_

_Tonight, tonight_

_Say when_

_And my own two arms will carry you_

_Tonight, tonight_

There is a soft knock on her door, and she slowly goes to answer it, wondering who would be coming to see her so late at night. Remembering that Mac had said the shooters could come after them again, she looks through the peephole to check. Adam stands nervously outside her door, anxiously looking down the hallway.

"Hey, Adam," she opens the door. "How are you holding up?"

He gives her a weak smile, "I'm okay. And I'm glad you are too. I… didn't get a chance to see you at the scene. Mac kind of… kept you away from everything."

"Do you want to come in and have a beer or something? I, uh, don't think I'm going to sleeping much tonight," Stella invites.

"Sure," he steps inside, immediately removing his shoes and jacket. "Wait, are you sure this is okay?" he asks, remembering her rule.

"It's fine, Adam. You're a friend," she leads him into the kitchen and retrieves two beers from the fridge.

Together they sit down on the couch. "Hell of a week for you," he says, taking a long sip of his beer.

"For all of us. I… I just can't believe Angell is gone. We worked on the… Greek coin case behind Mac's back together. I thought that if something was going to happen to one of us, it would be on that case. But Flack… it's going to be hardest on him."

"You think it'll be worse than when Mac lost his wife?"

"I don't know, Adam. Mac had work to get him through, but work is just going to remind Don of her. I actually think he could do something stupid; I mean, Mac acted differently and was a jerk to some of us who only wanted to help him but he never did anything that would actually harm someone or even himself."

"She completely changed him; I don't think relationships meant much to him before they started dating."

An hour later the lab tech and detective are still talking and drinking, each of them now impaired by the alcohol. Overwhelmed with emotions, Stella begins to cry. Adam scoots closer to her and puts an arm around her shoulders, "It'll all work out, Stella. We'll get through this; we'll help each other through this. You and Mac have built a strong foundation for the team, and… and… we're going to get past this."

"I don't know, Adam. We've never lost anyone before… not on the job. And Mac's going to ruin his career trying to pin this shooting on Dunbrook, and it'll all be over," she raises her head to look at him. "He'll be gone, and I'll be stuck with this mess that we're in."

"You're a strong and independent… and strong woman, Stella. You'll get us through this."

"Thanks, Adam," she leans in to kiss him on the cheek for his confidence in her abilities but her lips end up on his.

Adam wraps his arms around her in response to her kiss, and she puts her hand on the back of his head, bringing him closer to her. He slowly leans back so that he is laying on the couch, letting her take control and thinking that he is the luckiest man alive because his crush is making out with him. She tugs his shirt over his head, missing his lips in the five seconds it takes her to do so.

"Maybe we should… take this elsewhere… Stella," he manages to say between kisses.

_Come close and then even closer_

_We bring it in but we go no further_

_We're separate_

_Two ghosts in one mirror, no nearer_

_Later on if it turns to chaos, hurricane coming all around us_

_See the crack, pull it back from the window, you stay low_

"It was wonderful," Stella says. "And stupid and spontaneous and memorable."

"Yeah," Adam says out loud, agreeing with all but the stupid part.

"And not something we should ever do again."

This put an end to all his dreams. "You took the words right out of my mouth," he replies, lying but knowing that it was for the better anyway. He knew what had happened was too good to be true, a moment of vulnerability and need on her part; he was there and willing to help her.

"Okay," she gives him a small smile, thinking that it went better than she thought it would.

"Okay. See you around," Adam smiles back and remains in the doorway as she walks away. He watches as she heads to Mac's office, sees through the glass walls the way they smile at each other, and knows that she truly does not belong with him, the geeky lab tech. Mac could offer her so much more; she deserved to be loved, and Mac could give her that. Silently he heads back to work, happy for at least getting one night with her; he knew he couldn't brag about it, or she'd kill him, but he was still pleased with himself, even if it happened just because he was in the right place at the right time.

Mac smiles as Stella enters his office, "Hi."

"Hey," she helps him to box up the evidence from the case, returning his office to its usually neatness.

"So what were you and Adam talking about?"

"Oh… he heard Haylen applied for a job and was worried she'd get his. But I assured him that that would never happen."

Mac hesitates before speaking again. "Do you want to… get dinner or something… now that this is done?"

Her eyes rise up to meet his, "Sure. We have some things to talk about, don't we?"

He nods. "How about I come by your place at seven? I want to swing by the precinct and check on Flack before I go home and change."

"You don't have to take me any place fancy, Mac. You don't even know what I want to say to you."

"Can you give me a hint?"

She shakes her head, picking up a picture of Dunbrook that Mac had put under the suspects section of his office. "Did you ever go talk to him?" she shows him the picture.

"No… what you said was right, he isn't worth ruining my career over. And when the evidence led us away from him, I didn't feel the need to approach him."

"Glad to hear you listened to me for once. I'm glad you didn't go see him."

"I know. I'm sure there would be a story on my incompetence tomorrow if he had found out that the crime I accused him of was committed by men merely seeking attention and money by terrorizing the city."

"Stupid, wasn't it? All that we've been through ultimately for the pleasure of three young men."

He nods, "Can you finish this up? I think I should check on Don sooner rather than later."

"Yeah. See you at seven?"

He smiles and picks up his coat, "Yeah."

_Say when_

_And my own two hands will comfort you_

_Tonight, tonight_

_Say when_

_And my own two arms will carry you_

_Tonight, tonight_

Stella looks down at her hands, which are resting on the table, "I would like to take you up on that offer… if it's still available."

"Offer?" he asks, thinking about what he had said to her recently.

"Yeah… but… I guess it was a limited time offer. I… shouldn't have brought it up. Just… ignore what I said, and let's not allow it to ruin our friendship."

"Stel, what offer are you talking about?"

She blushes, "Forget I said anything, Mac. My inability to… make spontaneous decisions has ruined it."

"Oh," he says, realizing that she was talking about starting a relationship. "No, it's still available. Of course it's still available… I don't regret telling you how I feel so… if you're willing to give it a chance…"

"Now that some time has passed since… Greece and Angell's death… and the shooting, I've been able to think about it. I realized that I probably wouldn't be where I am without you there to support me. You're the only true family I've ever had, Mac, you and the others at the lab. If you're still willing to give it a shot, I am too. But… we have to take things slowly. If we're going to do this, it has to be done right."

He nods and takes her hands in his, "Stella, would you like to go out to dinner with me… on a date?"

"I'd love to," she smiles.

"How's Friday? I can pick you up around seven."

"Sounds good to me."

"Is there anything in particular you want to do? See a movie? Walk through the park? Ice skate?"

"It's only September, Mac; you can't go ice skating until it snows, which is at least two months away. Besides, I cannot imagine you ice skating; you might want to wait until after the first date to show me this… skill of yours."

"Then what do you want to do?"

"How about we stay in and I cook dinner for us?"

"You in a kitchen?" he teases, knowing she was a pretty good cook but not having had one of her meals in over a year.

"Yeah. After dinner, we can watch a movie or something. Your job can be to find us a movie."

"Okay," he agrees. "Any preferences?"

"Not a horror movie. No blood and guts."

"But I thought _The Exorcist_ would be the perfect first date movie."

"If you don't want to have another date, then yeah."

"I really can't imagine you scaring so easily, Stella," he smirks.

She shivers, "They're like ten times worse than what we do every day. Except you can't smell death through the TV."

Mac stands up, holding out his hand to help her up from the table. He helps her into her coat, whispering into her ear, "I would never let that stuff happen to you."

She lets her hand linger on his, "I know."

"Besides, what happens in those movies never happens in real life."

"Yeah, 'cause in real life they actually have a motive, no matter how sick and twisted it may be."

_Come across you lost and broken_

_You're coming to but you're slow in waking_

_You start to shake_

_You still haven't spoken, what happened_

_They're coming back and you just don't know when_

_You want to cry but there's nothing coming_

_They're going to push until you give in, say when_

Mac walks by Stella's office, surprised to see the lights in her office still on; he thought she would have left two hours ago when her shift ended. At first glance, he does not notice her inside, which makes him think that she left without turning her lights off. As he opens the door to turn them off, he realizes that this is not something she has ever forgotten to do before. He can barely see her curls over the top of her chair, which is turned to face the window. "Stella?" he quietly asks, hoping not to startle her but wanting to make sure that she is okay.

She quickly wipes a tear from her cheek before turning her chair around, "Hey, Mac. Do you need something?"

"No, I was just wondering what you were still doing here."

"Paperwork," she motions to the pile on her desk, almost as large as the pile on his own desk.

"Is everything okay, Stel? You haven't really been yourself today."

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be okay?" she asks. As he studies her, her wall crumbles, another tear falling from her usually bright emerald eye onto her cheek. She doesn't bother to reach up and wipe it away; it had already given her away.

Mac switches the lights off to prevent others from entering and approaches her. After gently wiping the tear away with his thumb, he gently pulls her up into a hug. She starts to pull away from him after a moment, reluctant to talk to him. He seats himself on her floor behind her desk, leaning his back against the wall just as she would do after Claire died in order to get him to open up to her. Wiping away another tear, she takes a seat next to him, pulling her knees to her chest. He patiently waits for her to begin.

"Is… is Adam still here?" she quietly asks. He shakes his head. "I… I can't, Mac. You'll just be angry with me and… and laugh at how stupid I was. Everything will be ruined. I can't talk to you."

"Stella…" he sighs. "I've opened up to you many times. You've always listened to what I've had to say, and I will do the same to you. Whatever it is, we'll fix it. I'm not going to be mad at you or laugh, not matter how stupid you think whatever this is is. Just… let me help you; you don't have to go through life alone anymore."

"This isn't the same, Mac. You've never done anything this stupid and had to deal with the consequences. And when you do find out, you're not going to love me anymore; you won't ever want to be my friend again."

"Nothing can make me stop loving you, Stella. Talk to me, and we'll work this out."

Stella takes a deep breath, deciding that she might as well tell him and get it over with now instead of prolonging their break-up. Looking down at her hands, she hurriedly blurts out, "I slept with Adam."

_Now we're here and it turns to chaos_

_Hurricane coming all around us_

_Double crack throws you back from the window, you stay low_

_It all began with the man and country_

_Every plan sends another century around again_

_Another nation fallen_

Mac takes a few moments to distinguish her words, which all ran together in her rush to get it out. "When?"

"The night of the shooting. He… he came over after you dropped me off at home. We talked, had a few beers, and the next morning we woke up together in my bed. I needed someone, Mac, and he was there."

"You haven't seen him since?"

"Just at work. I told him it couldn't happen again."

"Stella, I'm not mad at you."

"Then you're furious. I told you that I was not emotionally ready for such a large step forward in our friendship. And then I went and slept with Adam. Adam, of all people. God, I'm such an idiot," she bangs her head against the wall behind her.

"I don't blame you for this, Stel."

"It wasn't Adam's fault; I came on to him."

"I should have been there for you, but I was so caught up in trying to figure out who shot at us to realize you needed someone."

"So you're jealous because it wasn't you? I have absolutely no feelings for Adam beyond friendship. Mac, I love you with all of my heart, but I couldn't just start sleeping with you; this relationship means so much to me, and I needed time to think it over after everything we had gone through. Don't you dare put any of this on Adam; I was the one stupid enough to keep drinking after all that had happened and all the emotions going through my head."

Mac reaches over to take her hand. "Stella, I don't blame you for any of this. And I don't blame Adam either. The circumstances led you to it, and I'm not going to stop loving you because you slept with another man. We weren't even in a committed relationship at the time."

"So? You had already told me you loved me; I shouldn't have done that to you."

"I forgive you, Stel. I appreciate you telling me about it but I still love you. So… how about I take you home, and we get some rest?" he wraps his arm around her.

"Everything isn't fine, Mac. Adam and I had sex. We were drunk, and it just happened so fast. We didn't even think about using any kind of protection, and now I'm late," she pulls herself away from him as more tears fall.

He silently sits there, contemplating the best way to comfort her. No matter what he did she was bound to fight him, used to dealing with things herself. "Stella…"

"I know it was stupid. Just… go ahead and break up with me. I know you're going to; stop putting both of us through this. I'll just… I'll tell Adam what happened, and we'll deal with it. God, Adam and I are going to make awful parents. Neither one of us knows what a normal childhood is like; our child is bound to be abused with the two of us as its parents. Why? Why did I have to sleep with him?"

"I'm not going to break up with you, Stella. You made a mistake. So? I'm sure I'll make more than one as we move forward in our relationship. Now… we have to decide what to do about your… situation. Have you… done a test yet?" Stella shakes her head, letting him take her hand in his. "Okay, let's start there. We'll deal with whatever the outcome."

_Maybe god can be on both sides_

_Of the gun never understood why_

_Some of us never get it so good, so good_

_Some of this was here before us_

_All of this will go after us_

_Never stops until we give in, give in_

Stella is curled up on one end of the couch when Mac enters his living room, a cup of tea for her in his hands. He hands it to her before sitting beside her. "Have you and Adam talked… about this at all?"

She takes a sip of the hot tea, "No. Other than to say it wouldn't happen again."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"Definitely not. He… he doesn't need to worry about this."

"Stella, he's an intelligent young man; when he finds out you're pregnant, if you are, he can do the math. He'll know the baby's his."

"I'll deny it, say I… was with other men then too. He knows how vulnerable I was at the time."

"He can do a DNA test and find out if you're lying. Besides, I'm sure he'll be more than willing to help you raise the baby."

"That's what I'm afraid of," she whispers.

"Just because Adam was abused by his father doesn't mean he's going to abuse his own children."

"Not that. I'm worried about what people will say… when they find out about Adam and I slept together. I mean, he's not a bad guy by any means, but he's just not… my type. It's… just awkward to think about it."

"Stel… if you really do want to hide this, I'd be willing to… tell everyone that the baby is… mine. After all, we started dating right after you and Adam… were together. Nobody knows whether we've slept together or not. But… you can't lie to Adam. You'd have to tell him, let him see his child. We'd pay him or something in order to keep him from telling everyone."

A tear rolls down her cheek, "You… you'd really be willing to do that… for me? That could really ruin your reputation, Mac, sleeping with your partner on the first date and not using protection."

"I can be unpredictable. Besides, we've been working together for over ten years and people already think we're sleeping together even though, as far as they know, we're not even dating."

She lets a small smile form on her lips, "Mac, you are predictable. But after thirteen years of friendship, I can honestly say that I have never imagined you going into a store and buying pregnancy test for me… so I guess you have your moments."

A timer goes off, signaling the end of the fifteen minute wait period on the pregnancy tests Stella had taken. "Yeah, the lady at the counter kind of gave me a funny look when I was purchasing them," Mac hands the sticks to her. "Ladies first."

Taking a deep breath, Stella looks down at the three tests, not yet ready to find out her future. After triple checking all three, she lets the breath she had been holding go.

"So?" he asks. She hands the tests back to him to look at. "All three have the same verdict: negative. I'm sure the stress from the events of the past month is just affecting your body; you should be back to normal soon."

"Thanks for everything, Mac," she wraps her arms around his neck.

_Say when_

_And my own two hands will comfort you_

_Tonight, tonight_

_Say when_

_And my own two arms will carry you_

_Tonight, tonight_

Mac helps her bring the dishes to the sink after their meal, "It was really good, Stella. I forgot how good of a cook you were."

"Thanks," she blushes, filling up the sink with water to clean the dishes with. "I hope you don't mind, but if I don't do them now, they'll never get cleaned."

"No problem. I don't mind spending an extra fifteen minutes with you. How about I wash and you dry?" he offers, ever the gentleman.

"You do dishes?"

"Yeah, I was an only child. Since mom didn't have any girls to help her, I had to learn how to do it."

"So now you're stereotyping?"

"No. Well, back when I was growing up, that's how it was. But back when I was young, a woman never would have been a detective."

"Can you imagine the two of us not working together?" Stella asks, pausing from drying the plate in her hand in order to contemplate that thought.

Silence envelops them as they begin to delve into a seemingly off-limits topic. Over dinner, they had discussed work, everything from current cases to past cases to their coworkers, careful to avoid the topic of their own relationship and what had happened the previous evening.

As she is drying the last dish, Mac places his hands on her arms, "Stel… this isn't going to work if we're going to stop talking to each other. That's why we're such good friends: we communicate well with each other, for the most part. If we lose that, we're going to lose each other. And I don't want to lose you, Stella. I care about you too much."

She sets the dish down and turns to face him. "I just feel… like I don't deserve you. After you told me you loved me, I went and slept with another man. And then I thought I was pregnant with his child. I'm a wreck, Mac. You deserve someone better than me."

"I don't want anyone else, Stella. And I don't care if you're a mess right now; you've been through a hell of a lot these past couple months. I'm willing to help you put the pieces back together," he wipes away a tear that falls from her eye before slowly leaning forward to kiss her on the cheek.

"Mac…"

"Sorry. I know we agreed to take things slow but I - "

Her lips against his silence him. After a few moments, she pulls away. "It's okay, Mac," she whispers, leaning her forehead against his. He stands, content with his arms around her, until she starts to pull back from him. Her hand trails down his arm, grabbing his hand when they meet, and she pulls him into her living room.

Mac sits on one end of the couch, and his partner curls up next to him, laying her head on his shoulder, her arms around his midsection. He timidly puts his arm around her, pulling her closer to him. "I love you, Stella," he says quietly, kissing the top of her head.

"I love you too, Mac," she whispers back.

Within minutes, her breathing becomes even. Deciding that she was not going to let him leave, he tries to figure out the best way to become more comfortable without waking her. Moving slowly and touching her as gently as possible, he moves them so that they are both laying down, her in between him and the back of the couch. Sighing contently, Mac closes his eyes, ready to rest up for a new day with his new partner at his side.

_Say when_

_And my own two hands will comfort you_

_Tonight, tonight_

**A/N: I should have posted this earlier since it went with the first episode of the season but it took me a while to write for some reason... I think school is being very distracting. Which is why I hope to get more written over break. Anyway, I know it was a little different, like with Danny not in the wheelchair, but I guess this is what I hoped would have happened after the shooting. Maybe not the pregnancy part... I just thought it would be interesting to write... but I don't think they'd have another CSI baby, at least not on NY again right now. Um... I'm in the process of writing another story that I've had in my head for a while. It's in one chapter right now, but I might change it later. Well, I hope you liked this story, and thank you for reading. Happy holidays!**


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